For being a two-letter, one-syllable word, “no” can be pretty difficult to say.
How many times have you agreed to do something only to feel a sense of dread as soon as the “yes” left your mouth? Maybe you felt pressured by friends to go out when you just weren’t feeling it. Or maybe you feared your boss would review you poorly if you didn’t work those extra hours. All our lives, we’re taught to say yes to our parents, teachers, coaches, bosses. And eventually, we learn that saying no is a selfish thing to do.
There’s a psychological reason behind the inability to say no. Many of us have an aversion to conflict–it’s not the no itself that’s the issue, it’s the way other people might react to it. We strive to maintain good professional and personal relationships, and saying “no” can strain these. Are our friends going to label us as the wet blanket because we stayed home? Are our coworkers going to view us as selfish because we didn’t stick around to work overtime? Is that professor going to refuse us a recommendation because we couldn’t take on that extra lab work? Most of us have harbored these worries at one time or another. No one wants to be perceived in a negative light, especially if it might affect them down the road. But constantly trying to please others can take a lot out of a person and it usually ends in massive burnout.
Luckily, there’s a simple solution: just say no.
…Okay, I know. It’s not that easy.
So how do you start saying no when you’ve been saying yes your whole life?
To start, evaluate why you feel so pressured to agree to things. Do you feel like you’re letting people down by saying no? Do you worry that you won’t be given opportunities in the future if you say no now? Are you concerned that you’ll be viewed as selfish? Pinpointing the reason may also help you recognize a deeper issue and how to combat it. For instance, I know that my guilt about saying no is tied to my own issues with self-worth. I have to actively remind myself that my worth is not dependent on how overworked I am. Whatever the reason, it’s important to remember that saying no does not make you a bad person. You need to take care of yourself in order to take care of others. If you don’t save some of that time and energy for yourself, you’re just pushing yourself further towards a breaking point.
Of course, that doesn’t mean you need to say no all the time. It’s all about being intentional with the things you agree to. Ask yourself some questions before you commit to something. Here are 5 questions that I use when I’m weighing my decision:
1. How much time will I have to commit to this? For example, are you agreeing to volunteer at a bake sale for one day, or to lead the fundraising committee that meets once a week for an hour right after you get off work? While the first option seems pretty reasonable, the latter might just be too much when coupled with other responsibilities.
2. What am I getting out of this? Now, I’m not saying that it’s bad to do a selfless deed; it’s wonderful to help others without getting anything in return. But sometimes, determining what you’ll gain from an obligation can help you decide if it’s worthwhile.
3. What is the other person getting out of this? And to go a step further, am I being exploited? Now, I’m not implying that everyone who’s ever asked something of you is trying to use you. Nor am I accusing them of intentional exploitation. However, if you say yes once, some people will expect a yes from there on out and will continue to ask more of you without regard for your wellbeing. You should be especially wary of this if you are a young adult just starting out in your academic or professional career. While there may not be ill intent, people in positions of authority over you (such as professors, managers, and even older colleagues) may try to overwork and underpay you for your services because they know you’re less experienced and eager to please.
4. What will happen if I say yes? Sometimes thinking a few steps ahead makes the pros and cons more obvious. The pros might be that you’ll build a good rapport with the person who asked you, that you’ll make extra money, or that you’ll gain a valuable skill to add to your resumé. But cons may include that you’ll have less time for your other commitments and hobbies, you’ll feel more tired, and you might not get any enjoyment out of the task. There are definitely times when taking on one more thing just isn’t worth it because you know it’s going to make you miserable.
5. What will happen if I say no? This is one of the biggest things that stops people from turning something down. Unfortunately, it’s possible that after you say no, someone else could say yes and end up in a position where you want to be. You might feel regret, disappointment, or guilt for turning down what could’ve been a great experience.
BUT.
Just because you’ve closed one door doesn’t mean others won’t open up to you. Plus, doors don’t only shut–they can open again too! The chances of you permanently cutting off a future opportunity or future invites or a future career move are slim to none. Or if you’d prefer the short answer: the world will not end. I can guarantee that there will be more opportunities down the line.
If you’ve gone through these questions and made a decision, congrats! But if you’re still unsure, I have something revolutionary to share with you: YOU ARE ALLOWED TO CHANGE YOUR MIND.
It seems obvious, but this is honestly something I didn’t grasp until recently. I always felt like once I said yes to something, I wasn’t allowed to back out, and conversely that if I said no, then that opportunity was lost forever. But that’s not how life works! We’re all human, we all change our minds, and most of us are pretty understanding when someone else does the same. So, if you do reconsider and come to a different decision, don’t panic that it’s too late. Just reach out to the person and see what can be done.
At the end of the day, saying no is a sign of self-respect. It shows that you care enough about your own well-being to advocate for yourself. So, fellow pushovers, go out there and say no to life!
(And say yes too once in a while, I guess.)